Death pulled up a chair

About this Video:

What if the thing we fear most isn’t actually death—but everything surrounding it?

In this video, I share one of the most surprising conversations I’ve had on The Long Strange Trip. My guest, death doula Jeffrey Deckman, challenged nearly everything I assumed about dying. We talked about what a death doula actually does, why dying may be far more peaceful than we’ve been led to believe, and how our medical system often shapes the way we experience the end of life.

As someone living with a dual cancer diagnosis at 73, these questions aren’t theoretical for me anymore. I’m not trying to convince you of anything. I’m simply exploring what it means to face mortality with a little less fear and a little more curiosity. If you’ve had a near-death experience or have thought about what a good death might look like, I’d love to hear your story.

Transcript:

Josh:

Hey, it’s Josh. I wanna talk with you about death for a few minutes. I know, what a fun way to spend your afternoon. But stick with me, because I had a conversation last week that genuinely changed how I’m thinking about all of this, and I don’t wanna keep it to myself.

A little context. I’m seventy-three, I’m living with a dual cancer diagnosis, so when I talk about death, I’m not standing off to the side as some expert. I’m a fellow traveler, same as you, and the question is getting closer for me than it used to be.

My guest was a man named Jeffrey Deckman. Jeffrey is a death doula, and when he told me that, my honest first reaction was, “I don’t actually know what that is.”

So here’s the short version. You know what a birth doula does. They show up when a life is arriving, and they hold the space. Well, a death doula does the exact same thing at the other end of the trail. No medical bag, no agenda. They just sit with you, listen, and create a container where you can have your own experience without anybody rushing in to fix it.

Midwives for the leaving. That’s what it sounds like to me.

And then Jeffrey says something I haven’t been able to put down. He said, “Death doesn’t hurt. The diseases hurt. The treatments hurt.”

I can vouch for that one personally. Been there, done that.

But the actual moment of dying, he says it’s one of the most peaceful things there is. We’ve just been trained to believe the opposite.

I try to stay neutral on most things. Not on this one.

We’ve handled the end of our lives over to what I call the medical industrial complex. Fluorescent lights, beeping machines, a system that treats death as a failure to be defeated instead of a natural part of the journey.

And too many families never find out there’s a gentler way until it’s too late to choose it.

Jeffrey told me one story I have to share.

A 72-year-old man recovering from a heart attack told him that during it, pastel people showed up, the kindest, softest being he’d ever encountered. All he felt was love, and they told him, almost apologizing, “We came too early. You’re not coming with us yet, but we’ll be back.”

The man died a week later, and he told Jeffrey he was actually a little excited to go because he never in his life felt that safe.

Now, I’ll be honest, Jeffrey didn’t answer all my questions. I still believe there’s a sacred space between being alive and being gone, and I’m still chasing what happens there.

I’m a seeker. I can’t help it, but I’m a little less afraid than I was last week. And at my age, I’ll take that.

So here’s what I want from you.

Have you ever had an out-of-body experience or a near-death experience? Tell me about it.

And have you thought about what a good death would look like for you and done anything about it?

Drop it in the comments. I read every one.

There’s a full essay that goes with this. The link’s right below. And come find the rest of these conversations on The Long Strange Trip.

Hey, I’m Josh Patrick. Thanks for sitting with me with the hard stuff. I’ll see you next time.